Chaos, from the moment I woke this morning, and the day before and the day before that. Such is the city of dreams we all cherish so dearly. We must all be masochists in some small way to appreciate this self inflicted turmoil that reciprocates so selflessly and supplies us with vindication, new found freedom and the courage to dream.
Chaos, from the moment the universe began to stir when I awoke this morning. With thoughts of a frenzied few weeks, sudden opportunities coming to light and the sudden desire to fight; I put on my best suit and made my way to work. The word work almost seems an estranged cousin showing up at a family function, I just can’t seem to make sense of what to do with it. So I did my usual outstanding job for 8 hours and then made my way to the lobby of the ex Lehman Brother’s building in Times Square and out onto the street.
Chaos, from the moment I set my foot to the pavement, rush hour; when New York reveals its true nature. Thrilled, I made my way to the subway and home, to continue my illustrations for Simon and Schuster’s Free Press Books. Tired from a long day, unsure of what tomorrow’s interview will bring, unsure of how much longer I intend to stay in this city of dreams and unrequited hope. A feeling that drags on to a single word that resonates as the sun sinks somewhere behind 49th Street; Sensucht.
An inconsolable longing, for something I have not yet put a face to. It might be a desire for an easier path to my hearts wishes, it might be a temporary fix to see me through the end of the week, but mostly it just remains behind a veil of obscurity.
I set my head to the pillow and listen to the cosmic vibrations of the universe, my heart beats fiercely in my chest as I digest the day. I hear the buzz of the refrigerator in the next room and the sound of water whizzing by behind the walls and I feel cramped, boxed in. If the day comes when I begin conversing with these cosmic vibrations, you know what you have to do.
I think outloud, “if they offer me the job do I take it? I would be a fool not to.” Or would I be a fool if I took it and forgot all the promises of release I had made to myself a week before when things seemed bleak and foreboding?
Chaos, as I drift to sleep; my mind abuzz with the chatter of an internal frenzy. Questions and discontent flood and swell behind my eyelids.
Then I stop myself, for just a moment and try to be still and silent and content.